Summer reading

By Mike Batista
Steelahs.com Prime Minister
July 23, 2007

When I was a kid, I hated seeing “Back to School” ads in July. It meant that the dreaded month of September wasn’t too far off. Now that I’m old enough to go to bars and watch the Steelers, I actually look forward to September.
 
So all you kids out there who have to see or hear the words “Back to School” either in commercials or from dorky adults trying to make conversation, I feel for you. But now that I am one of those dorky adults, I’m going to tell you one thing: I hope you’re caught up on your summer reading.
 
Steelers training camp is here, the first step toward hiding away the 2006 season like some shameful family secret. That got me thinking: What would be on the Steelers’ summer reading list? Here are their assignments, based on the Steelahs.com curriculum guidelines:

Mike Tomlin:
“Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens

Will Tomlin get the Steelers started on a Super Bowl ring for other hand? Or will he be the first Steelers coach since Bill Austin to not win the Super Bowl? Not only did Bill Cowher win a Super Bowl, but he went 11-5 in his first season and made the playoffs in each of his first six seasons. That earned him a lot of breathing room during the lean years. The Rooneys are patient with their coaches, but if Tomlin starts out with a couple of 9-7 seasons, he’ll be hearing it from the fans.

Ben Roethlisberger:
“It” by Stephen King

OK, you’re probably thinking “What the f---?” In the halcyon days before the Patriots starting winning Super Bowls, Boston sports talk radio host Eddie Andleman used to complain that Drew Bledsoe didn’t have “it.” He never could define “it,” but he said that Joe Montana had “it” and John Elway had “it.” Yes, Roethlisberger has a Super Bowl ring. The Steelers wouldn’t have reached Super Bowl XL without Roethlisberger throwing the ball more during the playoffs. But he was putrid in the Super Bowl. He deserves a mulligan for last year, considering the motorcycle crash and the appendectomy. Will he ever recover from the motorcycle crash? His performance this year will go a long way toward answering that question.

Alan Faneca:
“The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck

Faneca gets this one because of all the complaining he’s done about his contract situation. I’ve actually softened my stance on Faneca. He’s one of the best offensive linemen of all time and the Steelers should have done whatever they could to keep him. It’s too late now. It looks like Faneca would rather go to a place like Arizona and play in half-empty stadiums. Too bad it had to end this way.

Ike Taylor:
“The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” by Michael Chabon

I read this book when I was about 16. I’d probably understand it better if I read it now. Anyway, the mystery here is who is the real Ike Taylor? Is it the cornerback who was a crucial part of the Steelers’ 2005 championship team or is it the cornerback who was benched last year? Here’s a guy who can benefit from the discipline of Camp Tomlin. By the way, this could also be an assignment for Roethlisberger. He can read it for extra credit.

Anthony Smith:
“A Clockwork Orange” by Anthony Burgess

While I’m talking about the secondary, I like how this Syracuse graduate came on late last season. His competition with Ryan Clark at free safety might be the Steelers’ most interesting position battle. The Steelers will have a heck of a tandem back there as Troy Polamalu teams with whoever wins the job.

Santonio Holmes:
“Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky

What other Steelers Web site is going to mention Dostoevsky? The 2006 season ended on a high note with Holmes running away from the Bengals’ defense to give the Steelers an overtime win. It’s nice to think that it could be a metaphor for this season, the Steelers, and Holmes, picking up where they left off and getting off to a running start. But Holmes had some run-ins with the law before his rookie season. If he can stay out of trouble, he could be the most explosive receiver the Steelers have had in a long time.

Sean Mahan:
“The Hunchback of Notre Dame” by Victor Hugo

OK, so this Notre Dame graduate isn’t really a hunchback, although he kind of is when he’s lined up before the snap. But this acquisition has sort of flown under the radar during the offseason. He can play center or guard. He could follow in the tradition of Steelers centers Mike Webster, Dermontti Dawson and Jeff Hartings. But even if he doesn’t, he’ll be starting somewhere on the offensive line. The unit definitely needs some new blood. I think this guy's going to help.

Willie Parker, Kevan Barlow, Najeh Davenport:
“The Running Man” by Stephen King

OK, so I had to use two Stephen King titles to pad this out. Get off my back. Parker's another guy I've softened my stance on. Even after last season, I figured he was too small to shoulder the bulk of the load. But let's face it, he had a great year in 2006. I wish he would have done better in the two games against Baltimore, because a win in one of those games would have put the Steelers in the playoffs. And the Steelers could benefit from a move to the trend of having a running back tandem. But Parker's earned himself a chance to be the man at runnning back.

Team: “The Old Man and the Sea” by Ernest Hemingway

I fear that one of the reasons for the Steelers’ sharp decline last season was their age. Here are some of their ages as of kickoff on Sept. 9: Hines Ward, 31; Clark Haggans, 30; James Farrior, 32; Travis Kirschke, 33; Casey Hampton, 30: Chris Hoke, 31; Deshea Townsend, 32; Dan Kreider, 30. Alan Faneca will be 31 on Dec. 7, which means he was born exactly 30 years after my boyhood idol, Larry Bird, who will be 61 on that day. Hmmm.

Team: "A Month of Sundays" by John Updike

The Steelers need to take advantage of their weak September schedule and get off to a good start. They open at Cleveland, then they host Buffalo and San Francisco, then they're at Arizona. Those teams had a combined record of 23-41 last season. 

Richard Seigler: “The Quickie” by James Patterson

As they say in Pittsburgh, I'll let yinz insert your punchline here.

Extra snaps: I guess I need a little help getting the Pittsburgh dialect down. A local Pittsburgher told me it was "out-of-taauwn" not "out-of-ton." Hey, I'm learning. This guy was the first non-friend to submit feedback. This is sort of like a deli hanging the first dollar it makes on a wall.